Shore Story: To be a writer, you must write

"To Be a Writer, You Must Write" is the title of an essay I first published on my blog back in the early 2000s. I started a weblog while dating my (now) husband, hard-coding the text, so anyone could read my thoughts. Over the years, it evolved, and after becoming a young mother, I channeled a lot of energy into my online space to create a community. I found myself wanting more than a time capsule for my family, so I gave myself pretend prompts and started writing first-person essays, where I dissected more of my backstory than I was used to sharing online.

I've been writing short stories and binding my own booklets from spare fabric in my mother's sewing drawer since age 6. I remember Shel Silverstein's book "Where the Sidewalk Ends" as the first book of poetry I ever laid eyes on. Later, in middle school, we studied literature, and I fell in love with Emily Dickinson, Edgar Allan Poe, and the folklore surrounding prose. I loved the lyrical nature of it all. My family of origin was very musical: My mother sang and played piano, my father loved a raucous beat and a full band, my brother mastered the saxophone, my sister could sing like an angel and … I could write. I saw poetry as my music from an early age but didn't dive in until the tumultuous teenage years of angst, growth, and desperation. First loves, messy family dynamics, blending families, runaway siblings, abuse disclosures, and starting to notice how the adults in my life weren't playing by the same rules that were being shoved down my throat — poetry became more than a passion; it became where I could tell the truth without anyone paying attention.

In my journals, I could remember what I was doing, where I was, and how I felt, but with poetry, it felt like I could promise my future self that I would do better. I could dissect the duality in front of me without being told if I was right or wrong (because it was always either/or), and I could look squarely at an emotion, motive, or daydream and change the outcome with only a word. Or a pause, a new line maybe, or the surprise of a question mark where there wasn’t originally a question to be asked. I find that most of my poetry now is a study in perspective; what one statement might suggest has to be tested from multiple angles, and I love looking at the world this way. In some ways, it gives me more compassion for people or ideas that have hurt me, because there are always more things at play, but it also gives me the information I need to move forward in my life. Where there once was a father, now there are hundreds of thousands of words for me to remember who I never want to become. I have data for my life; where trauma can take over and color everything sharp and jagged, I can see the soft little red line of Me throughout.

A Jodi who loves the water, I can't get away from water metaphors in my poetry—they're elemental to me. A Jodi who wants a better understanding of her origin, so she can change the course for the people who come after her and from her. I see a Jodi who can see through the bullsh--, a Jodi who can read between the lines, a Jodi who absorbs darkness just to reflect more light, and I can feel her fighting. 

"Notes to Self," my debut collection of poetry, is the beginning of this story. The compilation of the work it took to get me to a place where I can say what I need to say. It’s been tested and tested and tested again. I believe in my work. It’s the culmination of the past 25 years of my poetry. I wanted this collection to be the piece that I could point to as the beginning. In the nine chapters, I take readers through themes such as grief, pain, loss, motherhood, and anger, and eventually, we end up in resolve. Like turning the page on a hard chapter, this collection ends with my own brand of forgiveness for not knowing better then, but remembering how now.

"Notes to Self," a debut collection of poetry by Jodi Schaap, can be found at Reader's World Bookstore in downtown Holland, The Bluestocking Bookshop, and online at www.jodimichelle.com, as well as on Amazon, Kindle, and Audible.

Jodi Schaap is a poet and writer based in Holland. Her work explores themes of resilience, personal discovery, and celebrating joy.