How many cookies are you baking this holiday season – did you make sure to bake grandma’s snickerdoodles, like your mom always did? Have you found the perfect present for the special people in your life – what if you forgot someone? How are you going to afford putting on a big Christmas dinner – what if it’s not good enough for all of the family coming over?
All of these questions and more can cause the holiday season to be full of stress and anxiety. A
study from the American Psychological Association recently found that 89% of American adults say concerns such as not having enough money, missing loved ones, and anticipating family conflict cause them stress at this time of year. Furthermore, 43% said that the stress of the holidays interferes with their ability to enjoy them and 36% said the holidays feel like a competition.
It can be difficult to get through – let alone enjoy – the holiday season when you feel the expectations to create magical moments are endless, you’re missing family, or you are burnt out. That’s why Behavioral Health Therapists at MyMichigan Health are encouraging the public to adopt some new mindsets this holiday season, mindsets that can benefit your mental health throughout the year.
Find the art of saying, “No” and setting boundaries
The word, “No” can be difficult to say at any time of the year, but particularly during the holidays. Expectations – whether they are real or perceived, and whether they are from family, friends, or yourself – can lead to feelings of guilt when saying, “No.”
However, there can be a certain art to the word, “No” that doesn’t have to lead to feelings of guilt or shame, says Amy Rae Kramer, LMSW, Behavioral Health Therapist at MyMichigan Health Midland.
“We encourage patients to say things like, ‘Thank you for thinking of me. I'm not able to’ or ‘Thank you for inviting me. I don't plan on attending,’” says Kramer. “Saying ‘Thank you’ is often a lot less shame -inducing and feels more approachable.”
Saying, “No” and setting certain boundaries is important not only for yourself, but for the people around you as well.
“When we model good boundaries – as a community, as family, as providers – then that allows people in their own lives to take a step back and do the same thing,” says Danielle Fergin, LMSW-C, Manager of Integrated Behavioral Health Therapy at MyMichigan Medical Group. “If the people in your life never experience you setting boundaries yourself, but you are constantly telling them it's okay to set boundaries, that can be really hard for them to believe that it's actually okay.”
Kramer adds that setting boundaries and saying, “No” to things you don’t feel up to or simply don’t want to do shouldn’t feel like you’re letting anyone down, least of all yourself. Instead, remember that it allows you to have the capacity to fully enjoy the things you really want to be participate in.
“You can end up attending these events or posing for pictures with gritted teeth and thinking, ‘I wish I was someplace else.’ That typically just leads to a bigger guilt and shame spiral,” says Kramer. “It is important to sometimes not do all of the things. Instead, figure out what you do want to do and then do that really intentionally.”
Acknowledge that the holidays aren’t always happy
The holidays are not always happy. The grief of losing a loved one or being estranged from family can make the season difficult. Not having the finances to splurge on gifts and special meals can lead to feelings of inadequacy. The prospect of getting together with family can stir anxiety.
The holidays are not always happy – and that’s ok. It’s ok for you and it’s ok for others.
However, it can be tempting to tell people, “Cheer up! It’s Christmas!” While the statement may be said with the best of intentions, it’s not generally helpful.
“We would call that toxic positivity,” says Kramer. “It is well-intended. But it is just not validating. Sometimes that is the biggest thing we can do to help - validate someone and their feelings.”
This season, Kramer encourages people to try to make a conscious effort not to railroad others into being cheerful or participating in various activities; however, do let them know that they are important to you and you care.
“Sometimes, people want to be invited without the pressure of showing up. If you want someone there, tell them – even if you think they might not show up, or will only be there for a minute. If you want them there, tell them so that at least they know they're wanted, they're needed, and that someone is thinking of them,” she says. “Then understand that it's really up to that person to interact as much as they're comfortable and able.”
Realize that resting is proactive and productive
Rest is often thought of as something to do “after” – after the house is clean, after the cookies are baked, after the holidays. It isn’t usually seen as a proactive and productive use of time; however, taking time to rest BEFORE feeling burnt out can help ensure that you have energy to enjoy the holidays and the days after them.
“There are no trophies on January 1 if you didn't rest at all this season. There's no extra credit for the person who asked for the least amount of help,” says Kramer. “Sometimes we’re trying to win these awards that don't exist, and it is often much more productive to rest or say, ‘No’ to something that you've been invited to or asked to bake for, so that like you can actually say, ‘Yes’ joyfully to the moments you really want to be present for.”
Not only is resting a productive use of time through the holidays, but it is a proactive use of time that will see you into next year.
“You only have a certain amount of energy, and if you're using all of your energy during the holidays and not giving yourself time to recharge, by the end you may not have the energy left to do things you find relaxing,” says Fergin. “While reading a book, painting, or knitting is relaxing and can be self-care, it does still require energy. If you use all of your energy, you may not have any left to be able to engage in that self-care or use those coping skills.”
And if you feel that you need permission to rest, during the holidays or any time, Kramer says you have it.
“People think they have to earn the right to rest. The reality is that there's always going to be something more to do,” she says. “You have permission to rest, and it doesn't have to be earned after a set number of tasks have been done. That permission is implied.”